From the past

Today I dug up a letter I wrote back in January 2007. It made me laugh. Re-posted now for your entertainment:

Hey folks,

Okay so interesting experience #17 at the US Capitol. I just got back from my lunch run to the senate cafeteria, where I got a small but tasteful little sandwich and an delectable piece of german chocolate cake. I had just returned to my desk when I began to hear a raucous sound coming from outside. So I, along with several of my office mates decided to saunter out into the hall to see what was transpiring. The Hart building where I work is 9 floors built around a central open atrium, and today, in the atrium were probably a hundred women dressed in pink, protesting the war. By the time I got there, they had linked hands and were running around in a human chain shouting things like "impeach bush!" and "bring them home". Pretty cool but nothing crazy as far as protests go. Then the women began herding up the stairs and on several balconiess could be seen holding big cloth banners that draped down several stories carrying slogans like "Peace Now" and "Give Bush the Pink Slip" and my personal favorite, and the reason I tried to call Miss Heather Harris during the rally was the sign that read "Women Say Pull Out!" Apparently the event was sponsored by Code Pink ( http://www.codepink4peace.org/) where I expect pictures to be up sometime soon.
After a few moments though, the capitol police began to arrive en masse to battle the jubilant women. The uniformed officers could be seen engaging in tugs of war with the women for the banners (which the officers mostly won, except for one particular struggle in which the feisty little woman (who appeared to be in her 50s) managed to free her sign and made a desperate bid for freedom, her big pink banner trailing behind her like a comet's tail... until one of the officers grabbed the sign from behind and halted her progress rather abruptly).
About this time, the people on the floor began to gather in a large group and were dancing and kicking like they were in a middle-aged mosh pit, all the while chanting "this is what democracy looks like!" Democracy is clearly doomed.
No arrests were made that I saw, and the pack began to break up about the time the capitol police got the megaphone going so I decided to wander back to my desk since it looked like most of the drama was over.

Reporting live from the US Capitol, this is Todd Olsen (who will be bringing his camera to work from now on).

Proofread much?

Today I was at the planet'arium. One of my favoritest places. I love it there. In addition to finding new and exciting toys for my office I like to go because I get to watch movies and learn things at the same time. Win win. Today though I noticed for the first time that one of the exhibits contained a spelling mistake! How did that happen? If you're making a scientifical exhibit, wouldn't you at least make sure that all the words are spelled correctly? In case you're wondering the mistake was spelling "stretches" as "streches" Not huge, granted, but come on!

Oh who am I kidding? I love finding spelling mistakes. It makes me feel smugly superior (not that I needed much help in that department).

Also my trip to the planet'arium was notable today for another reason. I had another weird "date" with my mysterious and inscrutable friend. Cut to sitting with each other in the theatre, knees accidentally touching in the dark and not being moved away. Leaning in a little bit closer than absolutely necessary to whisper a comment. Tiny little intimate things that suggest that elusive romantic interest. And yet later, having dinner. Small talk. Work this, school that, blah blah blah. Nothing significant. Then it was over and we went our separate ways again.

I wonder how long this uncertainty can last before my natural penchant for disaster reasserts itself and I force the issue? I guess I'm not really in a rush. If I treat it like an intellectual puzzle I can keep it up for a long time (that's what she said).

Drama

Here's the deal. I hate drama. Most of the time. Granted I am a shit
started and so sometimes I like to pick fights with people. And
there's nothing I love more than to wind up the Senior (Citizen) Stoner defense
attorney and then watch him go. But almost uniformly these fights are
with people outside my office, people I don't have to rely on and work
with every day. Like the old saying goes, don't shit where you eat.
So you'll understand when I say that it makes me nuts when people in
my very office make drama and involve me in it. Especially because I
have enough to deal with for the things I actually do and extra-
specially because as I have previously lamented I am the new guy and
still on probation and I already have a track record of getting into
trouble. So it's just about enough to make me scream. Maybe I should
just follow Karen's example and wear my headphones all day.

Sent from my phone.

Genius

You will no doubt ask why this makes me so happy. And I will be totally unable to provide an answer other than to shrug my shoulders. Just accept that it does and try not to wonder too much more.

Don't I know you?

Today as I was arriving at my place of employment (on time, mind you!), I came around the corner near the bank of elevators only to discover that a full car was leaving and one person was standing outside waiting. This person was Sun Dress secretary. Sun Dress secretary works on the same floor as me but is on a different team. Nevertheless, I've seen Sun Dress secretary most every day since I've been employed here. A little less than 8 months, in case you were keeping score.

Anyway, Sun Dress secretary and I get on the elevator together and she pushes the button to our floor. Then she turns to me and in an attempt to be very helpful says "which floor are you going to?" I respond with "same floor you are, of course."

She looks at me. Pauses. Looks away. Pauses. Looks back at me and says "Oh. Are you on the juvenile team?"

Polite smile, "Um.... yup. You walk by my office every day."

"Oh. Ummmm..... I thought you looked familiar."

Good thing I've made a lasting impression on these people.

Apprehension

So here's the situation. My office is experiencing a tiny bit of a
financial crisis. To wit, we have to cut something in the range of
$2,000,000 from the budget. That's a lot of cashola. Further, I am at
the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. The very bottom. The part
that is just a couple inches above the dirt. Which means I'd be among
the very first to go if they decide to ax anyone. Actually in
retrospect the totem pole analogy doesn't really work since you can't
cut off the bottom of a pole without toppling the whole thing... Maybe
it's more like a hanging plant of some kind and I am the newest bud...
Not perfect but better.
But I digress. As the lowest bud I really hope they don't prune me.
That would really suck. I have an awesome job with awesome team mates
and an awesome amount of power to abuse. I don't even know what I'd
do. So while the powers that be promise us no one will lose their job,
I remain concerned. I really hope they don't get wise to all the screw
ups...

Also I made turkey tacos tonight and they were gooooood!

Sent from my phone.

Hey hot stuff!

Now a comedic episode that is not at my expense. Today at work I was talking with Tall Secretary and she made a weird face and I told her not to waggle her eyebrows at me. Pregnant Secretary overheard and joked that Tall Secretary was hitting on me. We all laughed. Then I walked down the hall to get some water (while I still can). I was still talking with Tall Secretary but one of our law clerks walked past her and walked in to my neighbor's office. For some reason the law clerk was dressed in dungarees and a t-shirt. He then walked out and walked past the desks of Tall and Pregnant. Pregnant, still talking to me ,shouts out "Hey hot stuff!" At which point our law clerk freezes in his tracks, slowly turns around, and sheepishly walks back to Pregnant to see if in fact she was talking to him. When she realized what she'd done, she turned bright red. I turned red-er from sympathetic embarrassment. In short, it was awesome. This is the same secretary who once publicly offered to help me in the bathroom when she thought I said I had to grab something from my car. It's always good to know that there's someone more inclined to put their foot in their mouth than me.

Is it drafty in here...?

I've been instructed once again to update my blog. So here we go again. It's cold and rainy today so I don't really feel like an extensive update. Of course most days I don't feel like an extensive update but today I am using the weather as an excuse. Although you might ask why does the weather outside affect my ability to go blah blah blah on my computer inside? I can't answer that.

Enough chatter.

This morning I decided to haul my sorry butt out of bed and to the grocery store. Not all together unusual for a Sunday morning. After my awesome date last night (and by "awesome" I mean "awful"), I didn't really feel like accomplishing anything today but of course I have to have food for the week. Not that I actually got enough food for the week. I'm really a terrible grocery shopper. I go in and get distracted by all the shiny things and I walk out without ever getting anything useful so I'll have lots of random things but only things that work when combined with other things that i didn't actually get (ie a can of chickpeas -- I guess i could grind it up and make hummus but then I'd need garlic...damn!).

Anywho, I'm at the grocery store. Doing the grocery store thing. The store is fairly busy. I notice that I seem to be getting more than the usual amount of odd looks from passersby. Undeterred I bravely continued shopping. I got my little basket full of random stuff and proceeded to check out and pay and leave the store. When I get to my car and put all my packages in the trunk then -- and only then -- do I notice that my zipper was down.

All the way down.

All the way.

All.

And I suspect it was down the whole time.

I really need new pants.

Oh yeah

If only it really was this cool...



Credit goes to one S. Karen Beck, DDA.

Threats & Love

Apparently I am long overdue for a blog update. I say apparently because I've been subtly pressured (read, threatened) by a certain lover of hairless cats today to update this blog and I am finally bowing to the inevitable.

I thought about writing a blog entirely devoted to updating this blog. I probably could wax on for multiple paragraphs about how good it will be when I've finally updated. But then i thought I'd get in trouble for following the letter of the law but not the spirit or somesuch stuff like that. So I'll just get on with it and write a substantive blog.

To wit:

Today my office was violated (again)! I knew it was April Fool's Day, but I did not expect to be the victim of a nefarious prank. Why? Because I have been pranked over and over and over again for the last 7 months. I thought for sure I was due for a break. Alas, no. Instead I arrived today to discover yellow police-style tape covering my office door. Realizing what this meant, I bravely approached my office and dared to peek inside. Hearts! Dozens of bright, pink and purple hearts. Everywhere! Defiled! Again! Who has this much time?

I've been meaning all day to take them down. But i'm afraid that the bright colors have overstimulated me and as such I've been rendered inert. Seriously. I can't do anything today except stare at the walls, which in turn are making me even less likely to do anything... I hate vicious cycles.

brownie goodness

This brownie was made just for me. If you can't read it, it says "you rock."

And I sure do!

harumph

I'm bored... Again. Not really a good sign for a Monday. That means I have a whole week ahead of me filled to the breaking point with boredom. I guess I do have a trial on Wednesday that will be mildly exciting. But given that I am a huge procrastinator I can't possibly start getting ready for it until tomorrow afternoon.
On top of that, all my usual sources for amusement have dried up on me. Friend working and shooed me out of her office. Other friend not here. Other friends in different buildings working, can't answer email.

My nemesis across the hall is providing some amusement but it's more scorn-based. He's talking on the phone and he sounds all big and tough but I've walked by many times and seen him napping. Plus he swears... a lot. I'm not a prude or anything and I certainly appreciate the value of a good epithet to convey exactly the right emotional point, but to swear consistently defeats the purpose and makes you seem stupid. That's the end of my fuckin' soap box on that one.

Also I sent my movie date?/friend? a text message this weekend asking if he wants to hang out and he never responded, so i'm guessing that I have the answer from my earlier post.

court is boring!

Sometimes court is boring. Today is one of those days. Also I have a trial this afternoon and I am totally unprepared for it. But its against a lazy defense attorney so I am none too worried.

Awkward...?

I generally think I'm pretty good with people. I don't tend to get too caught up in silly things and I think I'm easy to get along with (although when I receive motions to suppress on Friday afternoons it's all I can do not to go completely circus-freak crazy and declare jihad, but that's another post).

I point this out only because tonight was one of those rare circumstances when I had absolutely NO idea how to handle the interpersonal situation in which I found myself. To wit: I kind of had a date tonight but it was also not a date. A few years ago I met this guy and we became friends, then we dated for awhile. Then we both moved away and we lost contact for a couple years. We reconnected a few weeks ago and we were finally able to hang out tonight. We went and saw the movie Doubt (which was a good movie (and we also ran into my judge there which was totally unexpected)) and I spent the whole time trying to decide whether we were there on a date or there as friends. It was really bizarre to know someone pretty well and to have a history and still have no idea how to deal with them. Sometimes we'd laugh and look at each other and it was one way and then 10 seconds later it was the opposite. It was maddening!

Now I sit here puzzled. I guess this is just the control freak in me trying to put everything into its neat little category with its little label so that i know how to process it. I should probably not stress about it and just let whatever happens happen... Good luck with that, I know.

Oh well, I guess since I can't do anything about it I'm going to do something productive like clean up my kitchen.

here's another thing i hate

I hate these random quizzes things. But i do like the pretty pictures at the end:

You Are An INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But you're not an easy person to stay in love with. Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative. At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic

What's Your Personality Type?

Also I hate it when my entire courtroom team is out sick.

Why I hate Logan

It's weird to grow up in a small town. You are constantly seeing people you know, even the ones you don't like, it's just inevitable. Then you move away for awhile and embrace the relative anonymity that a city like Salt Lake provides (and granted this isn't exactly a metropolis but it's a heckuva lot bigger than Logan) and you forget what it's like in said small town. Then you go home for a few days, and have breakfast at the local hot spot restaurant and encounter spadefulls of people you know from years gone by. And of course that means I have to explain over and over again what I'm doing: Yes I'm a lawyer. Yes I'm a big time prosecutor. Yes that is cool. No I haven't seen (insert random name from the past) lately. Oh really, she had another child? No I'm not married. Yes, I have a boyfriend -- didn't expect that one did you? (that last part isn't strictly true but its comic value is off the charts). No, sadly I won't be able to help your cousin with her divorce but give her my best... Etc. Meanwhile my eggs have gone cold.

I guess it's cool that people care enough about me to ask me things like that. I mostly attribute it to my parents being somewhat notorious figures (in small town terms). And I guess there is a part of me that really does long for that kind of small town connected feeling. I noticed in the paper there was an opening for a deputy county attorney. Maybe I'll apply...

"Justice"

I told myself I wouldn't blog about work, at least not about the specifics of my work because I have to deal with sensitive, important stuff and all that. Despite that earlier promise, I encountered a situation today that cries out for at least a mention, because it has me very upset. I was screening a case today in which there are 3 co-defendants. All three did exactly the same thing. When they get busted, the police officer that responded charged two of them with class B misdemeanors and charged the other kid with a third degree felony. I jokingly told my paralegal that the third kid must be a minority... and it turns out he is! That is the only difference! I am outraged by this police officer who thinks the two white kids should get slaps on the wrists while the little latino kid should be severely punished when all three did the exact same thing. Of course I fixed it and charged all three at the same level, but I am still outraged that this kind of crap happens. Thats all.

Defiled!

I have been victimized.

Again!

The sanctity of my office has been invaded (again) by unsavory, criminal minded fiends (again). Observe the nefarious acts of vile depredation below:

Now I am many things. But a 10 year old girl is NOT one of them. So to come in and discover that someone has festooned my office with stickers of teddy bears, High School Musical, and most deplorably of all... Hannah Montana(!)... Well let's just say that my suffering was great.

I vow to track down the culprit of this heinous act and exact my revenge!

It begins

Jan 1 is finally here. That means the long awaited weight loss competition can commence. My court room team has agreed to each contribute $5 into a pool and the person who has lost the highest percentage of weight by the end of January wins the entire pool. I plan to win, naturally. Since part of this process requires public accountability, my starting weight this morning is a ghastly 228.8 lbs(!).