From the past

Today I dug up a letter I wrote back in January 2007. It made me laugh. Re-posted now for your entertainment:

Hey folks,

Okay so interesting experience #17 at the US Capitol. I just got back from my lunch run to the senate cafeteria, where I got a small but tasteful little sandwich and an delectable piece of german chocolate cake. I had just returned to my desk when I began to hear a raucous sound coming from outside. So I, along with several of my office mates decided to saunter out into the hall to see what was transpiring. The Hart building where I work is 9 floors built around a central open atrium, and today, in the atrium were probably a hundred women dressed in pink, protesting the war. By the time I got there, they had linked hands and were running around in a human chain shouting things like "impeach bush!" and "bring them home". Pretty cool but nothing crazy as far as protests go. Then the women began herding up the stairs and on several balconiess could be seen holding big cloth banners that draped down several stories carrying slogans like "Peace Now" and "Give Bush the Pink Slip" and my personal favorite, and the reason I tried to call Miss Heather Harris during the rally was the sign that read "Women Say Pull Out!" Apparently the event was sponsored by Code Pink ( http://www.codepink4peace.org/) where I expect pictures to be up sometime soon.
After a few moments though, the capitol police began to arrive en masse to battle the jubilant women. The uniformed officers could be seen engaging in tugs of war with the women for the banners (which the officers mostly won, except for one particular struggle in which the feisty little woman (who appeared to be in her 50s) managed to free her sign and made a desperate bid for freedom, her big pink banner trailing behind her like a comet's tail... until one of the officers grabbed the sign from behind and halted her progress rather abruptly).
About this time, the people on the floor began to gather in a large group and were dancing and kicking like they were in a middle-aged mosh pit, all the while chanting "this is what democracy looks like!" Democracy is clearly doomed.
No arrests were made that I saw, and the pack began to break up about the time the capitol police got the megaphone going so I decided to wander back to my desk since it looked like most of the drama was over.

Reporting live from the US Capitol, this is Todd Olsen (who will be bringing his camera to work from now on).

Proofread much?

Today I was at the planet'arium. One of my favoritest places. I love it there. In addition to finding new and exciting toys for my office I like to go because I get to watch movies and learn things at the same time. Win win. Today though I noticed for the first time that one of the exhibits contained a spelling mistake! How did that happen? If you're making a scientifical exhibit, wouldn't you at least make sure that all the words are spelled correctly? In case you're wondering the mistake was spelling "stretches" as "streches" Not huge, granted, but come on!

Oh who am I kidding? I love finding spelling mistakes. It makes me feel smugly superior (not that I needed much help in that department).

Also my trip to the planet'arium was notable today for another reason. I had another weird "date" with my mysterious and inscrutable friend. Cut to sitting with each other in the theatre, knees accidentally touching in the dark and not being moved away. Leaning in a little bit closer than absolutely necessary to whisper a comment. Tiny little intimate things that suggest that elusive romantic interest. And yet later, having dinner. Small talk. Work this, school that, blah blah blah. Nothing significant. Then it was over and we went our separate ways again.

I wonder how long this uncertainty can last before my natural penchant for disaster reasserts itself and I force the issue? I guess I'm not really in a rush. If I treat it like an intellectual puzzle I can keep it up for a long time (that's what she said).

Drama

Here's the deal. I hate drama. Most of the time. Granted I am a shit
started and so sometimes I like to pick fights with people. And
there's nothing I love more than to wind up the Senior (Citizen) Stoner defense
attorney and then watch him go. But almost uniformly these fights are
with people outside my office, people I don't have to rely on and work
with every day. Like the old saying goes, don't shit where you eat.
So you'll understand when I say that it makes me nuts when people in
my very office make drama and involve me in it. Especially because I
have enough to deal with for the things I actually do and extra-
specially because as I have previously lamented I am the new guy and
still on probation and I already have a track record of getting into
trouble. So it's just about enough to make me scream. Maybe I should
just follow Karen's example and wear my headphones all day.

Sent from my phone.

Genius

You will no doubt ask why this makes me so happy. And I will be totally unable to provide an answer other than to shrug my shoulders. Just accept that it does and try not to wonder too much more.

Don't I know you?

Today as I was arriving at my place of employment (on time, mind you!), I came around the corner near the bank of elevators only to discover that a full car was leaving and one person was standing outside waiting. This person was Sun Dress secretary. Sun Dress secretary works on the same floor as me but is on a different team. Nevertheless, I've seen Sun Dress secretary most every day since I've been employed here. A little less than 8 months, in case you were keeping score.

Anyway, Sun Dress secretary and I get on the elevator together and she pushes the button to our floor. Then she turns to me and in an attempt to be very helpful says "which floor are you going to?" I respond with "same floor you are, of course."

She looks at me. Pauses. Looks away. Pauses. Looks back at me and says "Oh. Are you on the juvenile team?"

Polite smile, "Um.... yup. You walk by my office every day."

"Oh. Ummmm..... I thought you looked familiar."

Good thing I've made a lasting impression on these people.

Apprehension

So here's the situation. My office is experiencing a tiny bit of a
financial crisis. To wit, we have to cut something in the range of
$2,000,000 from the budget. That's a lot of cashola. Further, I am at
the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. The very bottom. The part
that is just a couple inches above the dirt. Which means I'd be among
the very first to go if they decide to ax anyone. Actually in
retrospect the totem pole analogy doesn't really work since you can't
cut off the bottom of a pole without toppling the whole thing... Maybe
it's more like a hanging plant of some kind and I am the newest bud...
Not perfect but better.
But I digress. As the lowest bud I really hope they don't prune me.
That would really suck. I have an awesome job with awesome team mates
and an awesome amount of power to abuse. I don't even know what I'd
do. So while the powers that be promise us no one will lose their job,
I remain concerned. I really hope they don't get wise to all the screw
ups...

Also I made turkey tacos tonight and they were gooooood!

Sent from my phone.

Hey hot stuff!

Now a comedic episode that is not at my expense. Today at work I was talking with Tall Secretary and she made a weird face and I told her not to waggle her eyebrows at me. Pregnant Secretary overheard and joked that Tall Secretary was hitting on me. We all laughed. Then I walked down the hall to get some water (while I still can). I was still talking with Tall Secretary but one of our law clerks walked past her and walked in to my neighbor's office. For some reason the law clerk was dressed in dungarees and a t-shirt. He then walked out and walked past the desks of Tall and Pregnant. Pregnant, still talking to me ,shouts out "Hey hot stuff!" At which point our law clerk freezes in his tracks, slowly turns around, and sheepishly walks back to Pregnant to see if in fact she was talking to him. When she realized what she'd done, she turned bright red. I turned red-er from sympathetic embarrassment. In short, it was awesome. This is the same secretary who once publicly offered to help me in the bathroom when she thought I said I had to grab something from my car. It's always good to know that there's someone more inclined to put their foot in their mouth than me.

Is it drafty in here...?

I've been instructed once again to update my blog. So here we go again. It's cold and rainy today so I don't really feel like an extensive update. Of course most days I don't feel like an extensive update but today I am using the weather as an excuse. Although you might ask why does the weather outside affect my ability to go blah blah blah on my computer inside? I can't answer that.

Enough chatter.

This morning I decided to haul my sorry butt out of bed and to the grocery store. Not all together unusual for a Sunday morning. After my awesome date last night (and by "awesome" I mean "awful"), I didn't really feel like accomplishing anything today but of course I have to have food for the week. Not that I actually got enough food for the week. I'm really a terrible grocery shopper. I go in and get distracted by all the shiny things and I walk out without ever getting anything useful so I'll have lots of random things but only things that work when combined with other things that i didn't actually get (ie a can of chickpeas -- I guess i could grind it up and make hummus but then I'd need garlic...damn!).

Anywho, I'm at the grocery store. Doing the grocery store thing. The store is fairly busy. I notice that I seem to be getting more than the usual amount of odd looks from passersby. Undeterred I bravely continued shopping. I got my little basket full of random stuff and proceeded to check out and pay and leave the store. When I get to my car and put all my packages in the trunk then -- and only then -- do I notice that my zipper was down.

All the way down.

All the way.

All.

And I suspect it was down the whole time.

I really need new pants.

Oh yeah

If only it really was this cool...



Credit goes to one S. Karen Beck, DDA.

Threats & Love

Apparently I am long overdue for a blog update. I say apparently because I've been subtly pressured (read, threatened) by a certain lover of hairless cats today to update this blog and I am finally bowing to the inevitable.

I thought about writing a blog entirely devoted to updating this blog. I probably could wax on for multiple paragraphs about how good it will be when I've finally updated. But then i thought I'd get in trouble for following the letter of the law but not the spirit or somesuch stuff like that. So I'll just get on with it and write a substantive blog.

To wit:

Today my office was violated (again)! I knew it was April Fool's Day, but I did not expect to be the victim of a nefarious prank. Why? Because I have been pranked over and over and over again for the last 7 months. I thought for sure I was due for a break. Alas, no. Instead I arrived today to discover yellow police-style tape covering my office door. Realizing what this meant, I bravely approached my office and dared to peek inside. Hearts! Dozens of bright, pink and purple hearts. Everywhere! Defiled! Again! Who has this much time?

I've been meaning all day to take them down. But i'm afraid that the bright colors have overstimulated me and as such I've been rendered inert. Seriously. I can't do anything today except stare at the walls, which in turn are making me even less likely to do anything... I hate vicious cycles.